Kleptocracy Korner: June 16, 2026

Not Rocket Science

Bankers executed SpaceX’s long-awaited initial public offering (IPO) by raising an eye-watering $75 billion of cash. The tech conglomerate, which launches rockets that regularly explode and manages the world’s most misogynistic LLM, has ambitious plans to build data centers on the moon, mine asteroids, colonize Mars, and pursue other fantastical projects seen in popular science fiction franchises such as Star Wars, Star Trek, and Mass Effect. While SpaceX—which lacks any semblance of a sustainable business model and for some reason also operates the incel echo chamber formerly known as Twitter—has yet to turn a profit, demand for its shares has been feverish. After just two days of trading, the company’s stock has jumped +42.6% from its issuance price of $135 per share and its market capitalization has skyrocketed to $2.5 trillion. Maybe I’m too dour to dream big, but this I know for sure: The wisdom of the crowd is no match for the laws of physics.

You’ll Own SpaceX and You’ll Like It

Special exemptions from stock exchanges mean you’ll be purchasing SpaceX shares whether you want to or not. Why? Well, in saner times, a company had to “float” at least 10% of its shares, show consistent profitability, and trade for at least a year before being included in a major index such as the Nasdaq. Alas, since SpaceX is uniquely fraudulent, and Elon Musk is uniquely rich, the stock has been fast-tracked for inclusion in the Nasdaq, FTSE, and others. The upshot is even diversified, low-cost, passive index funds—like the ones reasonable people own—will now be forced to buy SpaceX’s ridiculous stock in order to mimic the performance of the broader equity market. In other words, we’re trapped on this rollercoaster together, so my advice is to strap in and enjoy the ride—and also to stock up on fresh water, canned goods, and AR-15s.

Rug-pulled

A college student lost $35,000 when his surefire bet on Polymarket was reversed on a technicality. This sad story reiterates an old axiom: Always read the fine print Never gamble on dumb shit like a degenerate loser.

Circular Reference Error

A KPMG report on the widespread adoption of “AI” by businesses contained case studies fabricated by “AI.” The real downside of LLMs is these jokes write themselves.

See No Evil

The DOJ’s Antitrust Division approved Paramount’s proposed $111 billion acquisition of Warner Bros. The neutered watchdog said the deal poses little risk to media competition or potential harm to American consumers because we’ve always been at war with Eurasia.

GOATs

FanDuel, DraftKings, Kalshi, Polymarket, and Bet365 completed a legendary playoff run and captured the imaginations of basketball fans from around the world. To celebrate their incredible achievement, New York City will be hosting a parade in their honor.