Pernicious Prompts
Visionaries? Profiteers? What's the difference?
Back in April, my friend and fellow novelist Dennard Dayle came through Chicago on a tour to promote his hilarious Civil War satire, How to Dodge a Cannonball.
While in town, he taught a workshop at Elgin Community College called “Sanity vs. Satire.” I had the distinct privilege of attending and during the class I wrote rough drafts of the three satire pieces below.
Prompt I: The Worst Person You Know
Exercise: Write from a perspective you consider monstrous.
Title: The Dickensian Element
Look at them.
They’re disgusting.
Vile.
Reprehensible.
Poor.
They have the audacity to breathe my air.
A civilized society wouldn’t tolerate them, let alone so many of them.
Liquidation is logical, but expensive. The market may know all, but private enterprise has a profit mandate and my shareholders demand value.
Appropriating public funds is the only sensible option. Good thing I bought Congress.
I call my plan “self-financing genocide.” After the proletariat’s representatives raise their taxes, I’ll use the proceeds to purify the species—and the planet.
My precious air smells sweeter already.
Prompt II: Popular Mechanics
Exercise: Introduce a character through their relationship with a pop culture property or event.
Title: Crowd Pleasing Propaganda
They call me a warmonger, but have you ever seen the animated series G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero?
Action!
Adventure!
Romance!
Sure there’s a side of imperialism.
And fine, I concede the program argues for funding the military industrial complex at the expense of public education, and public health, and public infrastructure, too.
But those “essential” societal needs are boring!
I mean, what would you rather watch? A PBS special about subsidizing lunches for “inner city” kids, or Duke and Sgt. Slaughter singlehandedly murdering terrorists—and the occasional civilian—with jets, tanks, bazookas, and their bare hands?
Oh, don’t give me that “White conquerer” crap. Roadblock kills people of color with aplomb and Snake Eyes is an illegal immigrant.
You pacifist pussies need to face the facts: America’s war machine makes for incredible content.
Prompt III: The Scam
Exercise: Introduce a scheme to exploit an issue, crisis, or common failing.
Title: Polarizing Profits
All these so-called activists are bent out of shape about the climate crisis, which really highlights their lack of strategic thinking.
If they were shipping magnates like me, they’d recognize the transcendent potential of melting the polar ice caps.
The average plebe is currently wowed by two-day nationwide shipping from Amazon, but in a few short years we’ll be able to send subpar consumer goods from a Malaysian sweat shop to some redneck’s double-wide in Missouri in less than twelve hours.
You people just keep on pumping out those sweet, sweet carbon emissions, and my pockets will just keep on getting fatter and fatter.
The future has never looked brighter.
